first day, rest life

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. That is at the same time both the most profound and most stupid expression I have ever heard. Right up there with "this too shal pass." I recall one time when I was talking with my mother. I was depressed about something and she held my hands and said, "Michael, this too shall pass." And I looked at her and tried to express to her how that statement can be used during good times, too, realizing that those are just as fleeting as the bad ones. And for that reason, that expression's versatility totally disarms it as an expression for providing optimism.

Anyway. First day, rest life. Whenever I am down and feeling dejected, I try to think of the profound aspect of that expression (ignoring the stupid part) and promise that tomorrow, not today, but tomorrow. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I have this fantasy that I can go to sleep and wake up the next morning and leave everything behind me. Leave all the sadness, confusion, depression, isolation... just wake up into a new life, a new reality. One that isn't so desparate. One that isn't so hopeless.

What's all this hopelessness about? How is it possible? I have so much going for me, don't I? I am in a very competitive grad degree program, and I am doing really well. I have my health. I don't have HIV or cancer. I am not an alcoholic. I have money. I have family and friends who love and support me. So what's wrong?

Here are a few facts that I can't deny are causing me some issues:

• I am 31 years old and hopelessly single. I have been living in the San Francisco Bay Area in California for the past 18 months, the last 5 of which I have lived in the city proper. I have been on maybe 4 dates in that whole time. The longest "relationship" i've had since getting here was about a week long, with an adorable 21 y/o stoner guy who decided to end our relationship by not calling me for a week. If course, he didn't call me after the week was up. I had to run into him on the street to confront him to get some closure.
  
• My passion seems to be gone. I don't know where it went. It's just gone. I want to do so many things, but the energy and drive are gone. Where'd they go? It's like I can see a life that I want... it's just beyond a thin fog, a veil of depression and anxiety. I can't swat the fog away: it's everywhere. I just can't seem to do anything about it, and all the things I want for myself are just lost in the fog. These are not material things in any way. This is a vision of a healthy, confident young man who has a good group of friends, a host of healthful habits, confidence in his direction, security in self.
  

Is that really what it comes down to? Self confidence? Is that what separates me from my dream world? Is that what is missing from each and every of these new days that are supposed to be the first days of the rest of my life? Is that the substance of the fog? Is it a haze of low self-esteem?

If I stop and look at my life from the macro level, it seems like I have so much going for me. Everything seems so amazing. Oh, the opportunities. But then when I crawl back into my own head, I feel ugly, fat, diseased and incapable. Well, maybe not all that, maybe not all that at once.

So, what's the solution? Maybe writing more thoughts out? Maybe working with my therapist some more. Maybe going to bed with my fingers crossed?